


In a Grave

by SymbolismEgg



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Gallows Humor, Gen, POV First Person, Slice of Death, Slice of Life, Violence, so many, so many apologies for the title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 19:51:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SymbolismEgg/pseuds/SymbolismEgg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Earl questions the Noahs in an attempt to find out who broke the rule "No killing in the house" and buried a Finder in the garden. However, the testimonies of the suspects conflict with each other, leaving the identity of the guilty party unclear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In a Grave

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in Oct. 2009. Halloween-appropriate no matter what the year.

Suspect #1

Oh no, who did this to your garden, Earl? No, I was in the library.

Of _course_ I remember the rule “no killing in the house!” I didn’t kill anyone at all today! Besides, I have my dreamworld for that.

If you ask me, it was Jasdevi. They were out on a mission today—oh, but so was Tyki. _Anyone_ could have inflicted those stab wounds, you know. You didn’t find any sort of weapon on the body, right? See, Jasdevi could have done their joining trick and stabbed him with their hair. Or it could have been Lulu, but I really think that it’s more likely to be Jasdevi! No, I didn’t see who did it…I never even saw this dead man before you dug him up. I’ve seen thousands of dead humans, and they’re pathetic every time. I don’t need to add one to your garden. I’d let an Akuma take care of a boring one like this. A few missing Akuma? Are you sure? Skinn might know about that, he seemed angry.

Well, this morning I was working on my homework like a good girl when Tyki came and said hello. I asked him how his date went, but he didn’t give me a good answer. You might want to ask him about his souvenir, Earl, before something else gets stained. No, I’m not telling! Oh, and he had that rose, too. After I finishing my Physics studies I took a nice bath, and after drying off I went and read a book—I don’t always feel like playing, Earl!

I noticed it looks like he’d been beaten, but it sort of looks like that happened after he was dead. _I_ know. I mean, if you look closely there are bullet holes in his robe, too. It _had_ to be Jasdevi. I didn’t kill anyone today, honest. 

See, there are all these chicken feathers around the grave too. 

Do I get candy for helping you out so much? 

Suspect #2

Hey, why does Jasdero have to stay inside—that’s not—what the fuck is this? Looks like someone’s been digging in the garden, Earl! Ha ha! Oh, sorry—I’m not laughing.

Uh. Yeah, of course I recognize him. Jasdero and I saw him when we were killing a bunch more of these Finder guys this morning. It’s not our fault if he’s fucking good at hiding. 

So what if he followed us back? It’s not like he’s gonna get anywhere with all these Akuma around! Humans don’t last two seconds…guess this one didn’t either.

No, we _didn’t_ kill him! That’s what I just said.

The—the carpet? Oh. Right. If we made that kind of mess, we’d clean it up! No, we haven’t cleaned our rooms this month, but those are our fucking _rooms_. Not _your_ carpet. There’s a stain on the wall too? Huh. 

Y’know what? That was Tyki for sure. Did you here about his “date” this morning? Yesterday he wouldn’t shut up about it. Seems like he’s such an idiot he forgets he’s not a normal human sometimes…anyway, I’m guessing it didn’t go so well. Just like we’d expected. That loser. What I meant was—did you see his dumbass “souvenir?” He probably brought it back so he could make lame puns. I bet that’s what got a trail of blood all over the carpet. It pumps blood through the whole body, you know. Rhode told us.

I bet Tyki killed this guy too. You should go punish him. Yeah, but have you checked to see if he’s missing anything inside? He coulda died from that.

Y-yeah, I know there are bullet holes, but we didn’t do…but…all right! Jesus. So we shot him a couple times, but he was already dead. We were _going_ to get him cleaned up, but fatass—not you, ha ha—Skinn interrupted us.

Sweet tooth’s always angry. It wasn’t us. 

Today…let’s see. Today we slept in, then went to that city you told us to. We cleared out those Finders easy—uh, minus one—and put the Akuma in place. Took a couple hours, I guess. Then we came back here and ran into Tyki, who wanted to show us what he brought back. We were like, “No, we’re gonna eat” and then we ate lunch. We didn’t find the guy until later. No, I dunno what time. After noon sometime. We found him by the bathroom door. I think Rhode was taking a bath in there. Then we were going to clean, but like I said, Skinn came barging through. So we went to our room to brush our hair and stuff, and that’s where we were until you came back and got us. 

I—we’re sure it was Tyki. We ran into him right after we came back to the mansion, so he was probably around when the Finder followed—yeah, the gate near the library. 

Dunno why there’re all the feathers. The chicken likes to hang out in the garden sometimes. 

Can I go now? Jasdero’s waiting, and we’re going to grab a hot dog or—yeah, we’re really sorry about that Finder. Really. I swear it wasn’t us who killed him, though. 

If you punish Tyki, can we watch?

Suspect #3  
Good afternoon, Earl. What’s up?

Oh, I see. What’s a Finder doing in your garden? Uh-huh. I’m not sure I can tell you much. 

I took care of what you said, bright and early. Didn’t have to change before heading to meet my date. I took her to this one upscale place…I don’t know what Devit said, but it went well. I just felt like ending that relationship after brunch. Heh. She was pretty into me, though—you could even say I stole her—

Look, I’m sorry. Fine, fine, I got it. I’m stopping.

Where was I? After that I came home. I said hello to Rhode…she was in the library with a book on her face. I cleaned up and decided to alphabetize the buttons I had in my room….No, that was in a tray. Not a drop on the floor. You can see it’s more like the result of this fellow being dragged. Yeah…after awhile with the buttons, I realized I needed to get a book, which was why I headed back to the library. The twin brats arrived home and were yelling at me for some reason. Or none, more likely. I offered to show them my souvenir. They didn’t want to, and it scared them off like I figured. They went towards the kitchen. No, I didn’t see them come back. There weren’t any signs of an intruder, either.

I couldn’t find the book I wanted, so I left for a walk around the grounds. Then I went back to my room. Stains? I didn’t really think about those at the time. 

I didn’t lay a finger on him. You have my word. You know how I hate to get my gloves dirty. I haven’t even seen him before. Did I mention I heard gunshots? Awhile after they came back, I suppose. 

That rose? They must have stolen it. And I have no idea why there are cookie crumbs. Ask the sweet tooth.

Oh, I took them off. 

Call me again if you have more questions, Earl. 

Suspect #4  
Hi, Earl. What do you want? I hope it's quick. I've got more cookies to eat, and there are miserable thieves in your house. You know them. It makes me so damn--I am calm!

What's...? Hmph. I see somebody dumped the intruder.

It wasn’t me! Have you asked Jasdevi or Rhode? Ah. They're sneaky liars. 

I was in the kitchen this morning. Baking cookies. Sorry about that pile of scrap metal—that worthless machine couldn’t even cook! But that’s hardly “killing.” This place is swarming with Akuma if you want a replacement. I was taking cookies out of the oven when I heard a noise, and who was it but those damn twins skulking in the pantry. I told them to get out. But after that I saw they’d filched some fresh cookies, the sneakthieves. 

I couldn’t let those boys sneak back and take them, so I waited until they cooled and put the leftovers away safe. I heard gunshots, I think, but I was too angry to pay much attention. 

After lunch I went to teach those twins a lesson. But they’re sneaky. I think I almost caught them, I would have wrung their necks to teach them a…!

Sorry, Earl. I didn’t find the twins. Instead I found this outside the bathroom door. Long trail of blood down the hall. I would have left it for the maids, but I smelled something sweet. The dead man had cookies in the pockets of his robe…! Yes, he was dead when I found him. Thoroughly. 

I left him there. What else was I supposed to do?

I didn’t do a single thing! 

Suspect #5

Good day, Master, What’s this?

Oh, how rude of whoever it was. I’m afraid I don’t know anything about it. 

At 11:00 I drank warm milk and lay down for a nap. About an hour later I was awoken by some altercation in the hallway. It was a quarter after 12:00 actually, for I looked at the clock. Upon opening the door and looking down the hall, I saw the twins outside the bathroom door, yelling at Rhode, who I could hear yelling back. I didn’t catch what about, nor did I care. No, there was no blood in the hallway at that time. I was unaware of any intruder until now. 

After the children had left, I went back to sleep. However, my nap was interrupted one more time, by Skinn bellowing with rage. Although it was rude, I went back to sleep without reprimanding him. I don’t know what time it was. 

I apologize for not being more help, Master.

Now with your leave, I’ll return to my nap.

Suspect #2.5 

Hee, Dero’s turn now? Dero did nothing!

Devit either, we didn’t kill anyone in the boss’s house today! Devit’s not a liar!

Jasdevi shot him. See? 

Already _told_ you, we didn’t kill him! Hee! What we did today…? Did what the boss said, hee. It was sort of fun to shoot at people in white, but then it got boring. Finished and came back for lunch. That’s when _he_ followed us, hee. It’s his fault for tres—tres—sneaking and trespassing! Not Jasdevi’s.

Are—are we in trouble?

But Dero said we didn’t kill him, hee. Didn’t know he followed until later. Later, after lunch. 

Cookies.

Skinn should share! We didn’t eat them, anyway.

He was dead when we found him! Blood all over his white robe. Hee hee!

Wh-what! Didn’t do nothing. We only thought we’d clean up—for you, boss! Maybe Tyki found him, hee. He’s stupid, he would do that. And we saw Tyki right after we came back!

Hee! A-also he’s a liar! It’s Tyki’s fault, and Skinn’s, and—not Jasdevi’s!

F-feathers...poor chicken! Only Tyki kicks him around like that! Never Jasdevi...! 

Please don’t hurt us, Earl! We didn’t kill him! Heeee? Noooo! Jasdero’s not listening, we didn’t get anything dirty. We tried to clean up!

Please let Dero go inside now? Devit’s waiting. 

We’re completely innocent, yes. Heehee! Also completely honest!

The Verdict

_It pains me to tell you that all of you except Lulu are grounded through the end of the week._

_\--The Millennium Earl_


End file.
